We had a great discussion this week with 10 moms and 13 kids who were able to attend. Thank you so much to Angeli and Kellee and for all those who helped watch the kids! Daphne treated us with not only muffins but cookies too! It was a great time.
We discussed our own examples of using time-out and what kind of place we used. Be sure to take the Time-out Quiz (see left hand side bar). If you're not sure the answers, here is a brief summary of Dr. Latham's advice on time out.
"Time-out," a behavior management strategy known to nearly every parent, is one of the most misunderstood and badly used strategies for dealing with the inappropriate behavior of children. But when well understood, and well used, it is a wonderful tool for managing children's difficult behaviors.
First, we need to understand what time-out is. The term time-out is really an abbreviation for "time out from positive reinforcement." Used badly, time-out can quickly become a reinforcer. You are giving the child reinforcement in three types of ways:
1)is relief from expectations of parents and thus is time to 'relax' and gives the feeling 'I won' because I didn't have to do what mom told me to do.
2)attention from other kids as they get hauled away to the time-out often in a great scene from both child and parent.
3)time out area was actually an enjoyable place and the child would rather be there than listening to the parent telling him what to do.
Time-out from positive reinforcement is intended to place the child in an environment where he is not getting any positive reinforcement. It should be so unreinforcing, in fact, that the child decides that it is better to behave appropriately and get positively reinforced than to behave inappropriately and be timed-out.
Consider a few points when establishing time-out in your home:
ESTABLISH A REINFORCING ENVIRONMENT:
Time-out is not going to be effective if the environment that you're taking the child out of is not a positive reinforcing environment to begin with.
To do this, do the following:
1)Use the inappropriate behavior of the child as a cue to you to attend to the appropriate behavior of another child.
2)Make a note to "catch your children doing something right" several times each day. Do this naturally and intermittently.
3)Ignore inconsequential behavior to the extent possible.
4)Exercise complete self-control. Try to keep your message to 10 or 12 words.
5)Use other strategies for inappropriate behavior, like Stop, redirect, reinforce strategy.
Rehearse, Rehearse, Rehearse. Practice, Practice, Practice the use of time-out. This is important for you and the child. You need to practice so it doesn't become a reinforcing experience for the child. It will also prevent saying things in anger and tendencies to take frustrations out on the child. Use a role play method so your child knows exactly what to expect immediately when they behave inappropriately and are put in time-out.
The time-out area must be secure and totally unreinforcing. It must be a sterile, dull environment that does not offer the child the slightest opportunity to enjoy himself. The time-out area must not be frightening, dangerous, or physically threatening. It should be of a reasonable temperature, well lighted, but dull.
When taking a child to and removing a child from time-out, use as few words as possible, and all physical interactions with the child must be as gentle as possible. This does not mean that the child is coddled. It is possible to be gentle and at the same time firm.
A child must not be allowed to leave time-out until he has remained quiet for the required number of minutes, depending upon the age of the child (with the one exception as noted).
1-3 years old: half minute for every year a child is old
4-7 years old: 2-3 minutes of quiet time (after the screaming has stopped)
7+ years old: time-out is getting ineffective at this age, it is better to use a different strategy like denial of privileges
Both parents and children must have a clear understanding of which behaviors will be treated with time-out, and the time-out procedure should be rehearsed with children in advance so that they know exactly what to expect.
Never threaten a child with time-out. If a child exhibits a behavior that is so severe as to require time-out, the child should be removed immediately to time-out.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Week 2: Fussy Babies, Spanking
With two babies to give live examples we had a great discussion about fussy babies and spanking. Seven moms and 9 kids were able to participate this week, with special thanks to our great babysitter aunty- thanks Betsy for babysitting and for the great muffins! (They were much better than those deceptively delicious muffins last week, sorry Mrs. Seinfeld, but I guess muffins recipes will just have to stay the same in my house!)
What to do with a crying baby...there is SO much advice given to you… by your mom, your neighbor, the lady behind you in line at the grocery store. This is a whole field of study by itself. Dr. Latham has a few simple rules to offer as good skills toward fussy babies.
Dr. Latham’s Word about Fussy Babies
Three things are sure: death, taxes, and fussy babies.
Remember babies will fuss! However, there’s no such thing as a “bad baby,” unhappy perhaps, but never bad. They are communicating something. Babies are learning that through communicating their needs will be met. Parents ought to be careful that babies don’t learn to use fussiness as a way to get attention besides the simple use of expressing their needs. Dr. Latham suggests that having confirmed that all the NEEDS are met and if a baby still is fussy, go ahead and put the baby down in his bed and let him cry. Distract your mind while he is crying but when the baby stops for an unbroken 30-45 seconds, feel free to go in and pick the baby up (if he’s fallen asleep that’s okay too, let him sleep). The baby may cry for up to 30 or 45 minutes at a time without stopping; this is okay if all of his needs are met. The most common mistake a parent falls into is giving attention to the fussiness, thereby reinforcing the very behavior you’re trying to stop.
When the baby stops crying, and you pick him up, don’t gush over him! You may give him a quick sign of affection or kind words, but carry on matter-of-factly. If he again begins to fuss, lay him back down calmly and gently. Remember the “Extinction Burst” phenomenon in parenting: it is not unusual for there to be an increase in fussiness/crying at the beginning. There may be a “burst” or increase in crying before it starts to go on to extinction, but do not give in before the child gives out!
Naptime/Bedtime Fussiness:
Dr. Latham’s 3-step simple process:
1. Establish a routine and stick to it.
2. Place child in bed quietly, gently, and without fanfare. MOM TIP: After putting child down, don’t make eye contact while leaving the room or shutting the door.
3. Do not return to the room unless absolutely necessary. If you do need to go into the room, do so quickly, quietly (without a word!), and with a minimum amount of light.
What do you do when your baby wakes up in the middle of a nap or too early? MOM TIP: Remember, 30 minutes is not a nap. Let him play alone in the crib and maybe he’ll go back to sleep on his own. Let him cry for 10 minutes then go in and pat his back; do your bedtime routine signaling that its time to sleep, put him down again and just let him cry back to sleep.
Dr. Latham adds that from time to time it is appropriate, in fact critical, that the baby be picked up for longer periods of time during which you would read, sing, play, rock, just enjoy your baby- but be sure you do this having picked up the baby at a time when he is not crying, (disbarring of course that he has a need to be attended to). After playing, put him back down gently. He might fuss, ignore the fussing. If it continues more than 20-30 seconds, and particularly if it becomes intense, gently pick the baby up check the diaper or any signs of distress (doing this without a word) and place him in his bed. Continue as I have already described. Remember that it is important that you continue to give plenty of positive attention and interaction to your child at other times of the day.
For information on a colicky baby and 20 tips to cope with crying, follow the links to the on-line text to chapter 11.
Other recommended advice about babies:
The Baby Whisperer methods of talking with baby and getting into a routine. A middle road between showing love to the baby and just letting him “cry it out.”
Ferberizing- established by Dr. Richard Ferber
The Universal Baby Language: by Priscilla Dunstan. Found to be true for newborns through about 2-3 months, any baby- despite their upbringing of language or culture- have 5 basic “words” used to communicate different needs. www.dunstanbaby.com
Although we didn’t have too much time to discuss the topic of spanking, Dr. Latham’s stance toward spanking is simple and clear: don’t. Spanking is mostly stemming from the parent’s frustration and anger and is not a method for teaching good behavior. You’re not teaching the child what to do or what is acceptable, you’re teaching him what not to do- and it’s not even an effective way to do that. Pain is not a bonding agent but teaches to avoid the pain giver. This is not in line with positive parenting. Parents resort to spanking because of 1) ignorance: they don’t know a better way; 2) immediacy of results: child quickly obeys but often continues to repeat the bad behavior again anyway; 3) conventional wisdom: people have been spanking for generations so it must be okay.
This having been said, many young moms (myself included here) experience frustration with young children who don’t yet have the language ability or cognitive reasoning to heed to any other methods of consequences. What is a good alternative to spanking as a consequence for young children? This can be a good topic to discuss this week. And any other comments you may have about this lesson, please add them to the blog!! See you next week!
What to do with a crying baby...there is SO much advice given to you… by your mom, your neighbor, the lady behind you in line at the grocery store. This is a whole field of study by itself. Dr. Latham has a few simple rules to offer as good skills toward fussy babies.
Dr. Latham’s Word about Fussy Babies
Three things are sure: death, taxes, and fussy babies.
Remember babies will fuss! However, there’s no such thing as a “bad baby,” unhappy perhaps, but never bad. They are communicating something. Babies are learning that through communicating their needs will be met. Parents ought to be careful that babies don’t learn to use fussiness as a way to get attention besides the simple use of expressing their needs. Dr. Latham suggests that having confirmed that all the NEEDS are met and if a baby still is fussy, go ahead and put the baby down in his bed and let him cry. Distract your mind while he is crying but when the baby stops for an unbroken 30-45 seconds, feel free to go in and pick the baby up (if he’s fallen asleep that’s okay too, let him sleep). The baby may cry for up to 30 or 45 minutes at a time without stopping; this is okay if all of his needs are met. The most common mistake a parent falls into is giving attention to the fussiness, thereby reinforcing the very behavior you’re trying to stop.
When the baby stops crying, and you pick him up, don’t gush over him! You may give him a quick sign of affection or kind words, but carry on matter-of-factly. If he again begins to fuss, lay him back down calmly and gently. Remember the “Extinction Burst” phenomenon in parenting: it is not unusual for there to be an increase in fussiness/crying at the beginning. There may be a “burst” or increase in crying before it starts to go on to extinction, but do not give in before the child gives out!
Naptime/Bedtime Fussiness:
Dr. Latham’s 3-step simple process:
1. Establish a routine and stick to it.
2. Place child in bed quietly, gently, and without fanfare. MOM TIP: After putting child down, don’t make eye contact while leaving the room or shutting the door.
3. Do not return to the room unless absolutely necessary. If you do need to go into the room, do so quickly, quietly (without a word!), and with a minimum amount of light.
What do you do when your baby wakes up in the middle of a nap or too early? MOM TIP: Remember, 30 minutes is not a nap. Let him play alone in the crib and maybe he’ll go back to sleep on his own. Let him cry for 10 minutes then go in and pat his back; do your bedtime routine signaling that its time to sleep, put him down again and just let him cry back to sleep.
Dr. Latham adds that from time to time it is appropriate, in fact critical, that the baby be picked up for longer periods of time during which you would read, sing, play, rock, just enjoy your baby- but be sure you do this having picked up the baby at a time when he is not crying, (disbarring of course that he has a need to be attended to). After playing, put him back down gently. He might fuss, ignore the fussing. If it continues more than 20-30 seconds, and particularly if it becomes intense, gently pick the baby up check the diaper or any signs of distress (doing this without a word) and place him in his bed. Continue as I have already described. Remember that it is important that you continue to give plenty of positive attention and interaction to your child at other times of the day.
For information on a colicky baby and 20 tips to cope with crying, follow the links to the on-line text to chapter 11.
Other recommended advice about babies:
The Baby Whisperer methods of talking with baby and getting into a routine. A middle road between showing love to the baby and just letting him “cry it out.”
Ferberizing- established by Dr. Richard Ferber
The Universal Baby Language: by Priscilla Dunstan. Found to be true for newborns through about 2-3 months, any baby- despite their upbringing of language or culture- have 5 basic “words” used to communicate different needs. www.dunstanbaby.com
Although we didn’t have too much time to discuss the topic of spanking, Dr. Latham’s stance toward spanking is simple and clear: don’t. Spanking is mostly stemming from the parent’s frustration and anger and is not a method for teaching good behavior. You’re not teaching the child what to do or what is acceptable, you’re teaching him what not to do- and it’s not even an effective way to do that. Pain is not a bonding agent but teaches to avoid the pain giver. This is not in line with positive parenting. Parents resort to spanking because of 1) ignorance: they don’t know a better way; 2) immediacy of results: child quickly obeys but often continues to repeat the bad behavior again anyway; 3) conventional wisdom: people have been spanking for generations so it must be okay.
This having been said, many young moms (myself included here) experience frustration with young children who don’t yet have the language ability or cognitive reasoning to heed to any other methods of consequences. What is a good alternative to spanking as a consequence for young children? This can be a good topic to discuss this week. And any other comments you may have about this lesson, please add them to the blog!! See you next week!
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Week 1: Power of Positive Parenting, presentation by Ane
The first meeting of the Moms & Muffins group was at my home (Courtney's) with a couple of AWESOME babysitters (Thank you Amy & Mary!!!) There were 11 moms in attendance and 12 children. Thanks for all those who signed up to help with upcoming weeks of the parenting discussion! Everyone please invite your friends and come as often as you can, as we endeavor to teach each other these great principles and strategies. Ane thanks again for coming all the way down to Corvallis! Despite being given a short amount of time, Ane did a wonderful job presenting! She gave us the following challenge.
The Challenge: 8 positives to 1 negative. Ane gave us a chart to use this week to record our negative and positive interactions with our children. This post will be dedicated to discussing our observations and how's it going. Also, what other comments do you have about Positive Parenting?
Here are some notes from the presentation:
"Parenting With Love" by Dr. Glenn Latham
"Research has shown that the most effective way to reduce problem behavior in children is to strengthen desireable behavior through positive reinforcement rather than trying to weaken undesireable behavior using aversive or negative processes." --Dr. Sidney W Bijou
•If the parents aren't in control, there is typically no control.
First, we must control our own behavior.
Second, we must control the environment in our home.
After we've done this, the children control themselves.
•A proactive environment is a positive, supportive, reinforcing environment that is under parental control.
Seize Opportunities to have Frequent Positive Interactions with Your Children:Smiling and laughter, appropriate touch, attentive listening (communicating "I'm with you"); safe talk (just talk without moralizing, sermonizing, or judging).
Clearly State Expectations:
Consequences must be clearly understood at the outset by parents and children.
Effects of coercion: escape, avoid, and counter coerce (to get even).
Coercion produces only short-term gains followed by long-tern losses!!!
What To Do when Children Behave Well:
Acknowledge appropriate behavior in a positive way.
•Parents should have numerous positive interactions with their children per hour, interactions that are delivered intermittently: a touch, a wink, a smile, a pleasant verbal acknowledgment of what was done.
•Acknowledge appropriate behavior intermittently or randomly.
•Acknowledge appropriate behavior casually and briefly: unaffected and unceremoniously as possible; if using words- no more than 8-12; take only a few seconds- from 3-5.
•Give variety to verbal praise: descriptive praise, deserved praise, sincere praise, values-rich praise.
What To Do when Children Misbehave:
FIRST, determine whether the behavior is inconsequential or consequential.
•Inconsequential behavior does not threaten persons or property
•Consequential behaviors can result in people being hurt, property being damaged or destroyed, and/or an environment being ruined.
Strategy #1: Ignore inconsequential Behaviors. Most of the annoying behaviors of children deserve no attention whatsoever.
Strategy #2: Selectively Reinforce Other Appropriate Behaviors. Virtually all children, in the course of a day, will do or say something that is worth reinforcing.
Strategy #3: Stop, Redirect, The Reinforce Consequential Behavior
•Stop- Do not call out in loud angry tones. Walk over- look them directly in the eye. With as few words as possible say in a firm tone something like..."No, that is not acceptable in this house."
•Respond with empathy and understanding.
•Restate what is expected.
•Have the child repeat what is expected.
•Redirect to another activity.
Strategy #4: Avoid Parent Traps: Criticism, Sarcasm, Threats, Logic, Arguing, Questioning, Force: Verbal or Physical, Despair/Pleading/Hopelessness
The Challenge: 8 positives to 1 negative. Ane gave us a chart to use this week to record our negative and positive interactions with our children. This post will be dedicated to discussing our observations and how's it going. Also, what other comments do you have about Positive Parenting?
Here are some notes from the presentation:
"Parenting With Love" by Dr. Glenn Latham
"Research has shown that the most effective way to reduce problem behavior in children is to strengthen desireable behavior through positive reinforcement rather than trying to weaken undesireable behavior using aversive or negative processes." --Dr. Sidney W Bijou
•If the parents aren't in control, there is typically no control.
First, we must control our own behavior.
Second, we must control the environment in our home.
After we've done this, the children control themselves.
•A proactive environment is a positive, supportive, reinforcing environment that is under parental control.
Seize Opportunities to have Frequent Positive Interactions with Your Children:Smiling and laughter, appropriate touch, attentive listening (communicating "I'm with you"); safe talk (just talk without moralizing, sermonizing, or judging).
Clearly State Expectations:
Consequences must be clearly understood at the outset by parents and children.
Scenario 1: (coercive)
The parent states expectation
The child repeats the expectation
The parent introduces the possibility of an aversive consequence
A coercive environment is created in which the child behaves well only to avoid the negative consequences of behaving badly.
Effects of coercion: escape, avoid, and counter coerce (to get even).
Coercion produces only short-term gains followed by long-tern losses!!!
Scenario 2: (reinforcing)
The parent states the expectation
The child repeats the expectation plus what he/she has to gain by complying
Wait for an opportunity to acknowledge compliance, and then do so.
A reinforcing environment is created in which children learn that by behaving well, they enjoy th epoistive consequences of behaving well.
What To Do when Children Behave Well:
Acknowledge appropriate behavior in a positive way.
•Parents should have numerous positive interactions with their children per hour, interactions that are delivered intermittently: a touch, a wink, a smile, a pleasant verbal acknowledgment of what was done.
•Acknowledge appropriate behavior intermittently or randomly.
•Acknowledge appropriate behavior casually and briefly: unaffected and unceremoniously as possible; if using words- no more than 8-12; take only a few seconds- from 3-5.
•Give variety to verbal praise: descriptive praise, deserved praise, sincere praise, values-rich praise.
What To Do when Children Misbehave:
FIRST, determine whether the behavior is inconsequential or consequential.
•Inconsequential behavior does not threaten persons or property
•Consequential behaviors can result in people being hurt, property being damaged or destroyed, and/or an environment being ruined.
Strategy #1: Ignore inconsequential Behaviors. Most of the annoying behaviors of children deserve no attention whatsoever.
Strategy #2: Selectively Reinforce Other Appropriate Behaviors. Virtually all children, in the course of a day, will do or say something that is worth reinforcing.
Strategy #3: Stop, Redirect, The Reinforce Consequential Behavior
•Stop- Do not call out in loud angry tones. Walk over- look them directly in the eye. With as few words as possible say in a firm tone something like..."No, that is not acceptable in this house."
•Respond with empathy and understanding.
•Restate what is expected.
•Have the child repeat what is expected.
•Redirect to another activity.
Strategy #4: Avoid Parent Traps: Criticism, Sarcasm, Threats, Logic, Arguing, Questioning, Force: Verbal or Physical, Despair/Pleading/Hopelessness
Friday, February 8, 2008
Ups!
Share with us those moments when you feel up as a mom. We'll strenghten each other as we let the good times roll back and forth.
Downs!
Share with us the times when you feel down as a mom. Maybe with all of us together we can share tips and experiences of how we got over the various challenges of motherhood.
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