BACK ON TRACK!

Aloha Moms!
Summer is over and it's time to FALL back on track! Choo, choo! We need a new conductor to help steam this momma's train! (The old conductor moved to Hawaii.)

If you'd like to help plan meetings and classes for our Corvallis mom's group, please email amicorvallis@gmail.com!

ABCD's of Parenting

A talk given by Ileen Barlow on Tuesday, May 20th, 2008 for the AMI parenting group.

“Mission for Mother – Guiding the Child”
Understanding the ABCDs of Child Misbehavior

There's no quick fix (take an aspirin and call me in the morning). Here are some initial thoughts from my experiences and my favorite book, "Mission for Mother - Guiding the Child" (out of print) and Dr. Latham's book, "The Power of Positive Parenting", available through American Mothers or online.

As I've read and re-read "Mission for Mother", I realize how much of my philosophy of parenting was formed from that book through a talk heard at Education Week, 40 years ago. The last class I took from LBCC, used similar concepts to the ABCDs of a child's behavior. Dr. Latham's Positive Parenting course is very much the same concepts. There are many other courses available in communities - the important thing is that parents need to be always learning. Every child is different and what works once, may or may not work with the next child.

You don't have control over changing the child, only yourself. From the changes you make in how you react, you will affect changes in the child.

Think of what you are doing that is rewarding the misbehavior. By identifying what feeds into the misbehavior, you can work at changing that. Use the ABCDs to determine what the child's misbehavior is trying to accomplish.

Use logical consequences

Consequences should be reasonable for the misbehavior and are not retaliation or punishment on the part of Mother to get even with or humiliate the child.
-Choices are provided, "do you want to settle down, or leave the room"
-Look for things that are understandable to the child to use as consequences, taking away a special toy until they behave, etc.
-Watch your tone of voice and body language. (not easy, but your tone of voice should be clam, not angry.
-Empathize with child, try to understand WHY he is feeling a certain way that makes him cry, but do not pity or sympathize with him, for this may weaken mother's resolve and firmness in dealing with him.
-Time Out Room - (I'm not a big believer in time out; use it sparingly. There's times it is really needed, so here are some guidelines.)

-before removing child, give the choice of settling down or going to the timeout room.
-if he does not settle down, he has made his choice, Mother is to pick him up gently, but firmly, and place him in the room, if he chooses not to go voluntarily.
-Mother tells him he can come out as soon as he agrees to behave.
-Mother talks as little as necessary. Her tone of voice is firm but gentle, devoid of anger or hostility.
-Child is given the choice of staying in the room with the door locked or unlocked. Mother might say, "You can stay in the room with the door unlocked. The door will be locked if you refuse to stay. The decision as to whether mommy locks the door is yours."
-Mother is to remove the child to the time-out room for his own good or the good of others, not for retaliation, or for punishment.

Quit Talking and Act - a common problem of mothers who come to family counseling clinics is that they talk-talk-talk TO their children rather than act. Mothers, in their desire to be a “good mother” and to get the child to “feel” well towards her, are afraid to act. Talking too much often becomes nagging and this increases the problems between Mother and child.

Limitations - mother needs to set limitations so the child feels he is in control of his own life. Not so narrow that the child cannot make choices or so loose that he does not know what is expected and as a result does not feel secure.

Withdrawal Can Be Very Effective - Mother's calm, quiet withdrawal to another room when the child is upset and angry can be most effective. Do not engage the child at his level, feed into, or pay off the anger of the child. Sometimes it better for mom to leave the room, go in the bathroom, read a book, and take a bath. Of course the child needs to be in a safe place - like in his crib (this is why I love to keep a child in a crib as long as I could, 3-4 yrs). After the storm, let the child know she cares, a hug, squeeze, etc.

Mother, Be Firm With Yourself - Do Not Dominate - sometimes moms try to correct through her own superiority. Rather than coercing or forcing the child to change his behavior, Mother should be firm with her own behavior. (lots more to learn about this)

"Power of Positive Parenting" - Dr. Glenn Latham, course available on Utah State University web site: http://ocw.usu.edu/Family__Consumer____Human_Development/oer-power-of-positive-parenting/power-of-positive-parenting/Course_Material.html/

Use Punishment Sparingly - Punishment can be somewhat effective in stopping or changing one specific misbehavior. However, many other different kinds of behavior are learned in the process. The better way is the use of natural and logical consequences.

Use Care in Rewarding - Rewards are effective in some respects. Mother gives a piece of candy, special privileges, money, etc to a child in return for his behaving, she is using rewards. Serious problem in using rewards is that it trains the child to respond to and value symbols rather than the good behavior itself.

Have Enjoyable Times Together - Build a reservoir filled with good relationship experiences

Human Need of Belonging – Rudolph Driekurs believes that the major need that humans possess is for “belonging”. We all need to feel as if we are valued, appreciated, and respected by important groups and people…family, friends, teachers, classmates, etc.
Encouragement is more important and effective than praise. “you can do it” is the message we want to give children. If we do praise, it should be “descriptive praise” which recognizes the actions/behaviors of the student. NOT praise the character of the student (e.g., “you’re a good boy”, “you’re a talented artist”).

Love, Laughter and Limits -
A loving relationship can build self-esteem, a better feeling of security and teach how to guild strong relationships with others. Show love because you want to show love and because you know it is the right thing to do, NOT because you want love in return or as a "reward" for doing what you want. Don't reserve love only for when you think your child deserves it.
Laughter or humor instead of nagging, especially when nagging and yelling have not worked, will often defuse an unpleasant situation. Don't take yourself too seriously.
Consider the goals you want for your children and make sure they understand the limits. Don't make a big deal out of everything. Pick a few things, be clear and stick with them. (www.healthatoz.com)

Try to identify the cause of the misbehavior -
Here's where the ABCD Goals of the Misbehaving Child are good to understand:- http://behavioradvisor.ipower.com/702FirstExamStudyNotes.html; http://www.behavioradvisor.com/ParentPage.html

A ttention & Service
B oss, control have power
C ounterhurt, get revenge, power with vengeance
D isabled (get Mother to think this) be left alone.


Applying the Principles – Underlying all learning is the basic striving of the child to have a secure place of belonging with those important to him.

Train your child when the atmosphere is calm and peaceful between you. Plan with a purpose.
Child tends to learn and repeat those things which bring about results that are perceived by the child as pay off.
Child learns through imitation
Child needs successful experiences in learning if he is to have the courage to continue to learn. (Three successes to one failure.)
To learn, child must have desire within himself. He must be motivated.
Tasks or concepts should not be too hard or too easy for best learning.
Fresh, novel, and stimulating experiences tend to encourage the child to learn.
Child participating encourages the learning process
Discipline that is coercive and overly strict produces rigid conformity, anxiety, shyness or aggression and deference to authority figures. The learning process becomes threatening for the child.
Criticism increases failure and discouragement. It tends to lower the child’s self-confidence and his level of aspiration.
Most rapid learning occurs during infancy and early childhood; therefore, Mother is in a key position.
The child’s first year of life is more critical than any college education
Generally better to distribute training over a period of time.
Some research indicates that the single most important attribute of any teacher for stimulating learning is that of friendliness. Sense of humor and sincere demonstrations of love are important.


MOTHER AS A TEACHER

Personality traits of Mother that tend to discourage learning are:
abruptness
coldness
quick temper
aloofness
acting high and mighty
being “preachy”


Traits that encourages learning:
warm
easy going
relaxes, having a friendly manner
simple and approachable
good sense of humor
showing a ready smile
well-organized
confident
able to set limits
consistent
flexible
curious about the world and having an urge to explore and find out things
able to communicate well


Topics of Learning: starting on page 79 – “Mission for Mother”
Walking
Play
Toilet Training
Training for living with others
Playmates
Chores Around the House
Stimulate Independence
Dressing
Eating
Getting Up
Tidiness
Sex Role Education
Training to Give and Accept Affection
Stimulate a Belief and a Faith in God
Encourage Curiosity, Initiative, and Creativity
Stimulate an Appreciation for Things Aesthetic
Nursing
Weaning
Bedtime
Another Baby – A New Arrival
Piano Practicing
Handicapped Child
Death of a Child
School—how to prepare the child


Correcting the Misbehavior
Family members experiencing much difficulty tend to relate to one another in a vertical-competitive fashion. Children in such families push one another down and away from the parents as they scramble for favored positions.
Competitive, vertical behavior impedes or prevents the development of cooperative, warm relationships among family members.
A child must feel that he securely belongs if he is to behave constructively.
The perceptions of the disturbing child may be logical or illogical. The important thing is his subjective view, not the logic of it. Mother must understand his perceptions if she is to best help him.
Though the misbehaving child’s responses appear irrational to mother, they make sense to him. They fit in with his personal view of things.
The misbehaving child is only dimly aware of his goals. He does not consciously plan or plot to manipulate Mother.
Mother generally responds to her child when he is misbehaving by doing the first thing that comes to mind. This first impulse is usually what the child is manipulating from her and it tends to reinforce his misbehavior.
It is important for Mother to learn to be a careful observer so that she can accurately interpret her misbehaving child. Learn to read the hidden and subtle cues.

Other Resources:
Parenting classes (American Mothers is always happy to help here. There's classes in Portland: http://www.oregonmothers.org/chapters.htm
Books - Dr. Glenn Latham's, "Positive Parenting", or "Parenting with Love" available through American Mothers Inc. G
Great Books For Parents Of Kids Who Need To Learn To Make Better Behavior Choices:
"How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk". This classic book, as useful today as when it was first published in the early 1980's provides parents with "Nice ways" to gain compliance from their children. Along with easy-to-read text are cartoons showing the typical ineffective phrasing used by parents are followed by those showing more effective ways of saying things. In my mind, this is the best parenting book on the market when it comes to how WE can change our ways to help our kids behave better.

"Assertive Discipline for Parents” provides a system that helps parents to be in-charge, while also being compassionate and supportive. It's especially good for parents who have problems "standing up" to their children, but also great for those parents who find themselves yelling and hitting/spanking when they get frustrated. The system gives parents things to say and do that are firm, but loving. Kids view the system as being fair and reasonable.

(other resources: Rudolf Dreikurs (February 8, 1897, Vienna - May 25, 1972, Chicago)

The One and Only

Okay, so it's been a long time since we've had a new posting. This is probably going to be the one and only for April. To summarize April, we had fun getting into some social activities: playing in the barn, going out to lunch at Sweetpeas, and playing in the water with waterbabies instructor Olivia at TAC. Another highlight was guest speaker Ileen Barlow, National Mother of the Year 2007. Her message was teaching kids to "bounce back" from inevitable adversity. She also taught us to look for the little "hands" in our lives helping to keep us up when we're feeling stretched or about to break. Some call this "Raising Resilient Kids." I'll try and post later a few links with more information for you to look up- it's great stuff.
What experiences have you had with your kids learning to bounce back? What "hands" have you felt lifting you up during difficult times?

Week 6: Toilet Training & Thumbsucking

What a BIG topic that every parent cringes at. Problems with this area mean a big trial in patience! We had 9 moms and 12 kids attending this week's meeting to discuss solutions. Katie was a great babysitter- thank you so much! And Caroline (and your husband), thanks for the awesome muffins!
Here's a few points from Dr. Latham for discussion about these two topics:

Toilet Training:
When toilet training children:
1. be certain there are no medical problems complicating a child's bladder or bowel control,
2. begin initial bladder control using the basic behavioral strategies of extinction and selective reinforcement of appropriate behaviors,
3. teach enuretic children "strain and hold" procedures,
4. for more difficult causes, employ the "dry bed training" using a urine alarm device, and
5. particularly for older children, teach urine retention and sphincter control exercises.


Eliminating Thumbsucking:
1. Daytime thumbsucking can be eliminated with the systematic application of
withdrawing positive reinforcement, and
selective reinforcement of appropriate behavior.
2. Chronic bedtime (nocturnal) thumbsucking can be eliminated using a five-phase process called "response prevention strategy using constraints," as follows:
Phase 1: Boxing glove restraint.
Phase 2: Absorbent cotton restraint.
Phase 3: Finger tip bandage restraint.
Phase 4: No restraint.
Phase 5: Follow-up.

If you have any methods that you've tried or know about, please do share as we all can use more ideas!

Week 5: Eliminating Lying and Stealing

Thanks for participating in our discussion this week- we had 7 moms and 8 kids who were able to attend. Here's a quick review of Dr. Latham's suggestions when dealing with lying and stealing...it might not be what you'd thought naturally to do.

When children lie or steal, it's a functional matter: they are doing it for a reason and it's not necessarily a moral issue to them. When dealing with it, it is important to remember to not deal with it as a complex moral issue; doing that puts unreasonable adult burden on an almost moral-free childish behavior. (Having said that, the older a child gets the more lying and stealing do become moral issues and become more complex.)

Here are 6 basic rules to apply:
1) Never accuse a child.
2) Never question the child.
3) Do not overreact
Instead,
1. Respond proactively: keep the atmosphere controlled, constructive, empathic, understanding, directive, therapeutic. Place emphasis on values (honesty) within the child rather than with what the child did (lying).
2. Make known your expectations. without moralizing or arguing; be clear and simple and direct.
3. Implement consequences. Again, focus on honesty. Consequences should be well-implemented and thought-out and should place the responsibility for the child's behavior sqaurely where it ought to be: on the child; then let the consequences do the talking.
4) Acknowledge appropriate behavior. For example, "Son, you told the truth even when it was kind of hard to do it. Thanks." If a child has a history of "stealing" secure things so they aren't easily taken. Reinforcing the good behavior will help the child realize the favorable expectations and it is the behavior that will mostly likely be forthcoming.
5) Model appropriate behavior.
6) Teach appropriate behavior. Teach property rights and why it's in one's best interest to be trustworthy. Teach that there are positive consequences for behaving well.

Mom Panel Questions

Now's our time to ask our toughest questions to our favorite Moms! Or just something you'd really like advice on to help with your home and parenting skills. The Mom Panel will be held in April as part of a continuation to our Moms and Muffins group.
So don't hold back, ask away...let's get a list started!

Week 4: Eliminating Tantrums and Tattling

Happy smiles go out to all those who may have frowns right now because they are sick...there's a lot who are sick! Get better soon! We had a lively discussion about a hot topic that everyone's passion about I'm sure. Thanks to the 8 moms and 10 kids who were able to make it. And thanks for inviting your friends, it's so fun to meet new moms! It was very beneficial to hear other mom's advice on their frame of mind when dealing with this tough misbehavior.
Here's a quick summary from Dr. Latham's chapters for review.

Eliminating Tantrums...
Tantruming behavior, though bizarre, dramatic, and outlandish, is simply a child's uncivilized way of getting what he wants, and can be remediated.
The instant a child begins to tantrum, attention must be turned away from him even to the point of walking away, or putting him into time-out. Use the zero tolerance model.
Regardless of how long the child continues to tantrum, he should be given no attention whatsoever. Furthermore, the child should be left alone for a few minutes after he has quit the tantrum before he is given any attention whatsoever.
When the child is not tantruming, appropriate behavior should be acknowledged and reinforced.
When it is necessary to attend to a tantrum, be unemotional, direct, and brief in your interaction. Say as few words as possible, have as little physical contact as possible, and don't mention the tantrum. Simply say, "When you behave this way you may not be with us," then take the child away from the company of others. If he has to be taken there kicking and screaming, so be it. Just handle it with as little show of emotion or concern as possible.
If there is a good chance the child will tantrum when he is away from home, either leave him home, or have a plan prepared in advance to deal with the tantrum in that new setting. For example, if you are going to visit friends or relatives, you might ask them in advance if there is a place where your child can be put for time-out in case he does have a tantrum. Whatever you do, prepare options in advance in the event they are needed.

Eliminating Tattling...
Tattling is intended to do harm to someone. It is typically not a source of useful information.
When children tattle, parents need to put that behavior on extinction, then teach and reinforce appropriate behavior.
Tattling should not be confused with whistle-blowing, which is a socially approved way of behaving in behalf of the common good.
does anyone know what 'whitsle-blowing' is...?

What I have suggested here has been used successfully in many, many families. I know it works, but I also know that situations vary from family to family and child to child. But the basics are sound and apply to all families. All children need love, all children need positive attention for those things they do properly, and they all want and need their parents' support. I urge you to give them that support in a calm, controlled, precise, loving way.

USE YOUR CREATIVITY!
We need creative ways to deal with tantrums that happen during an activity the kids doing that must be done, because you don't necessarily want to put them in time-out to get out of doing what they're supposed to...for example throwing a fit while changing a diaper...the diaper must be changed, so...?
What examples of difficult tantrums do you have; and what are creative solutions that we could use to solve them?

Week 3: Using Time-out

We had a great discussion this week with 10 moms and 13 kids who were able to attend. Thank you so much to Angeli and Kellee and for all those who helped watch the kids! Daphne treated us with not only muffins but cookies too! It was a great time.
We discussed our own examples of using time-out and what kind of place we used. Be sure to take the Time-out Quiz (see left hand side bar). If you're not sure the answers, here is a brief summary of Dr. Latham's advice on time out.

"Time-out," a behavior management strategy known to nearly every parent, is one of the most misunderstood and badly used strategies for dealing with the inappropriate behavior of children. But when well understood, and well used, it is a wonderful tool for managing children's difficult behaviors.

First, we need to understand what time-out is. The term time-out is really an abbreviation for "time out from positive reinforcement." Used badly, time-out can quickly become a reinforcer. You are giving the child reinforcement in three types of ways:
1)is relief from expectations of parents and thus is time to 'relax' and gives the feeling 'I won' because I didn't have to do what mom told me to do.
2)attention from other kids as they get hauled away to the time-out often in a great scene from both child and parent.
3)time out area was actually an enjoyable place and the child would rather be there than listening to the parent telling him what to do.

Time-out from positive reinforcement is intended to place the child in an environment where he is not getting any positive reinforcement. It should be so unreinforcing, in fact, that the child decides that it is better to behave appropriately and get positively reinforced than to behave inappropriately and be timed-out.

Consider a few points when establishing time-out in your home:
ESTABLISH A REINFORCING ENVIRONMENT:
Time-out is not going to be effective if the environment that you're taking the child out of is not a positive reinforcing environment to begin with.
To do this, do the following:
1)Use the inappropriate behavior of the child as a cue to you to attend to the appropriate behavior of another child.
2)Make a note to "catch your children doing something right" several times each day. Do this naturally and intermittently.
3)Ignore inconsequential behavior to the extent possible.
4)Exercise complete self-control. Try to keep your message to 10 or 12 words.
5)Use other strategies for inappropriate behavior, like Stop, redirect, reinforce strategy.

Rehearse, Rehearse, Rehearse. Practice, Practice, Practice the use of time-out. This is important for you and the child. You need to practice so it doesn't become a reinforcing experience for the child. It will also prevent saying things in anger and tendencies to take frustrations out on the child. Use a role play method so your child knows exactly what to expect immediately when they behave inappropriately and are put in time-out.

The time-out area must be secure and totally unreinforcing. It must be a sterile, dull environment that does not offer the child the slightest opportunity to enjoy himself. The time-out area must not be frightening, dangerous, or physically threatening. It should be of a reasonable temperature, well lighted, but dull.
When taking a child to and removing a child from time-out, use as few words as possible, and all physical interactions with the child must be as gentle as possible. This does not mean that the child is coddled. It is possible to be gentle and at the same time firm.

A child must not be allowed to leave time-out until he has remained quiet for the required number of minutes, depending upon the age of the child (with the one exception as noted).
1-3 years old: half minute for every year a child is old
4-7 years old: 2-3 minutes of quiet time (after the screaming has stopped)
7+ years old: time-out is getting ineffective at this age, it is better to use a different strategy like denial of privileges
Both parents and children must have a clear understanding of which behaviors will be treated with time-out, and the time-out procedure should be rehearsed with children in advance so that they know exactly what to expect.
Never threaten a child with time-out. If a child exhibits a behavior that is so severe as to require time-out, the child should be removed immediately to time-out.

Time-out Quiz

Which one of these kids would YOU put in time-out?







An effective time-out.....?

Week 2: Fussy Babies, Spanking

With two babies to give live examples we had a great discussion about fussy babies and spanking. Seven moms and 9 kids were able to participate this week, with special thanks to our great babysitter aunty- thanks Betsy for babysitting and for the great muffins! (They were much better than those deceptively delicious muffins last week, sorry Mrs. Seinfeld, but I guess muffins recipes will just have to stay the same in my house!)
What to do with a crying baby...there is SO much advice given to you… by your mom, your neighbor, the lady behind you in line at the grocery store. This is a whole field of study by itself. Dr. Latham has a few simple rules to offer as good skills toward fussy babies.

Dr. Latham’s Word about Fussy Babies
Three things are sure: death, taxes, and fussy babies.
Remember babies will fuss! However, there’s no such thing as a “bad baby,” unhappy perhaps, but never bad. They are communicating something. Babies are learning that through communicating their needs will be met. Parents ought to be careful that babies don’t learn to use fussiness as a way to get attention besides the simple use of expressing their needs. Dr. Latham suggests that having confirmed that all the NEEDS are met and if a baby still is fussy, go ahead and put the baby down in his bed and let him cry. Distract your mind while he is crying but when the baby stops for an unbroken 30-45 seconds, feel free to go in and pick the baby up (if he’s fallen asleep that’s okay too, let him sleep). The baby may cry for up to 30 or 45 minutes at a time without stopping; this is okay if all of his needs are met. The most common mistake a parent falls into is giving attention to the fussiness, thereby reinforcing the very behavior you’re trying to stop.
When the baby stops crying, and you pick him up, don’t gush over him! You may give him a quick sign of affection or kind words, but carry on matter-of-factly. If he again begins to fuss, lay him back down calmly and gently. Remember the “Extinction Burst” phenomenon in parenting: it is not unusual for there to be an increase in fussiness/crying at the beginning. There may be a “burst” or increase in crying before it starts to go on to extinction, but do not give in before the child gives out!

Naptime/Bedtime Fussiness:
Dr. Latham’s 3-step simple process:
1. Establish a routine and stick to it.
2. Place child in bed quietly, gently, and without fanfare. MOM TIP: After putting child down, don’t make eye contact while leaving the room or shutting the door.
3. Do not return to the room unless absolutely necessary. If you do need to go into the room, do so quickly, quietly (without a word!), and with a minimum amount of light.

What do you do when your baby wakes up in the middle of a nap or too early? MOM TIP: Remember, 30 minutes is not a nap. Let him play alone in the crib and maybe he’ll go back to sleep on his own. Let him cry for 10 minutes then go in and pat his back; do your bedtime routine signaling that its time to sleep, put him down again and just let him cry back to sleep.

Dr. Latham adds that from time to time it is appropriate, in fact critical, that the baby be picked up for longer periods of time during which you would read, sing, play, rock, just enjoy your baby- but be sure you do this having picked up the baby at a time when he is not crying, (disbarring of course that he has a need to be attended to). After playing, put him back down gently. He might fuss, ignore the fussing. If it continues more than 20-30 seconds, and particularly if it becomes intense, gently pick the baby up check the diaper or any signs of distress (doing this without a word) and place him in his bed. Continue as I have already described. Remember that it is important that you continue to give plenty of positive attention and interaction to your child at other times of the day.
For information on a colicky baby and 20 tips to cope with crying, follow the links to the on-line text to chapter 11.

Other recommended advice about babies:
The Baby Whisperer methods of talking with baby and getting into a routine. A middle road between showing love to the baby and just letting him “cry it out.”
Ferberizing- established by Dr. Richard Ferber
The Universal Baby Language: by Priscilla Dunstan. Found to be true for newborns through about 2-3 months, any baby- despite their upbringing of language or culture- have 5 basic “words” used to communicate different needs. www.dunstanbaby.com

Although we didn’t have too much time to discuss the topic of spanking, Dr. Latham’s stance toward spanking is simple and clear: don’t. Spanking is mostly stemming from the parent’s frustration and anger and is not a method for teaching good behavior. You’re not teaching the child what to do or what is acceptable, you’re teaching him what not to do- and it’s not even an effective way to do that. Pain is not a bonding agent but teaches to avoid the pain giver. This is not in line with positive parenting. Parents resort to spanking because of 1) ignorance: they don’t know a better way; 2) immediacy of results: child quickly obeys but often continues to repeat the bad behavior again anyway; 3) conventional wisdom: people have been spanking for generations so it must be okay.
This having been said, many young moms (myself included here) experience frustration with young children who don’t yet have the language ability or cognitive reasoning to heed to any other methods of consequences. What is a good alternative to spanking as a consequence for young children? This can be a good topic to discuss this week. And any other comments you may have about this lesson, please add them to the blog!! See you next week!

Week 1: Power of Positive Parenting, presentation by Ane

The first meeting of the Moms & Muffins group was at my home (Courtney's) with a couple of AWESOME babysitters (Thank you Amy & Mary!!!) There were 11 moms in attendance and 12 children. Thanks for all those who signed up to help with upcoming weeks of the parenting discussion! Everyone please invite your friends and come as often as you can, as we endeavor to teach each other these great principles and strategies. Ane thanks again for coming all the way down to Corvallis! Despite being given a short amount of time, Ane did a wonderful job presenting! She gave us the following challenge.
The Challenge: 8 positives to 1 negative. Ane gave us a chart to use this week to record our negative and positive interactions with our children. This post will be dedicated to discussing our observations and how's it going. Also, what other comments do you have about Positive Parenting?

Here are some notes from the presentation:

"Parenting With Love" by Dr. Glenn Latham
"Research has shown that the most effective way to reduce problem behavior in children is to strengthen desireable behavior through positive reinforcement rather than trying to weaken undesireable behavior using aversive or negative processes." --Dr. Sidney W Bijou

•If the parents aren't in control, there is typically no control.
First, we must control our own behavior.
Second, we must control the environment in our home.
After we've done this, the children control themselves.
•A proactive environment is a positive, supportive, reinforcing environment that is under parental control.

Seize Opportunities to have Frequent Positive Interactions with Your Children:Smiling and laughter, appropriate touch, attentive listening (communicating "I'm with you"); safe talk (just talk without moralizing, sermonizing, or judging).

Clearly State Expectations:
Consequences must be clearly understood at the outset by parents and children.

Scenario 1: (coercive)
The parent states expectation
The child repeats the expectation
The parent introduces the possibility of an aversive consequence
A coercive environment is created in which the child behaves well only to avoid the negative consequences of behaving badly.

Effects of coercion: escape, avoid, and counter coerce (to get even).
Coercion produces only short-term gains followed by long-tern losses!!!

Scenario 2: (reinforcing)
The parent states the expectation
The child repeats the expectation plus what he/she has to gain by complying
Wait for an opportunity to acknowledge compliance, and then do so.
A reinforcing environment is created in which children learn that by behaving well, they enjoy th epoistive consequences of behaving well.

What To Do when Children Behave Well:
Acknowledge appropriate behavior in a positive way.
•Parents should have numerous positive interactions with their children per hour, interactions that are delivered intermittently: a touch, a wink, a smile, a pleasant verbal acknowledgment of what was done.
•Acknowledge appropriate behavior intermittently or randomly.
•Acknowledge appropriate behavior casually and briefly: unaffected and unceremoniously as possible; if using words- no more than 8-12; take only a few seconds- from 3-5.
•Give variety to verbal praise: descriptive praise, deserved praise, sincere praise, values-rich praise.

What To Do when Children Misbehave:
FIRST, determine whether the behavior is inconsequential or consequential.
•Inconsequential behavior does not threaten persons or property
•Consequential behaviors can result in people being hurt, property being damaged or destroyed, and/or an environment being ruined.

Strategy #1: Ignore inconsequential Behaviors. Most of the annoying behaviors of children deserve no attention whatsoever.

Strategy #2: Selectively Reinforce Other Appropriate Behaviors. Virtually all children, in the course of a day, will do or say something that is worth reinforcing.

Strategy #3: Stop, Redirect, The Reinforce Consequential Behavior
•Stop- Do not call out in loud angry tones. Walk over- look them directly in the eye. With as few words as possible say in a firm tone something like..."No, that is not acceptable in this house."
•Respond with empathy and understanding.
•Restate what is expected.
•Have the child repeat what is expected.
•Redirect to another activity.

Strategy #4: Avoid Parent Traps: Criticism, Sarcasm, Threats, Logic, Arguing, Questioning, Force: Verbal or Physical, Despair/Pleading/Hopelessness

Ups!

Share with us those moments when you feel up as a mom. We'll strenghten each other as we let the good times roll back and forth.

Downs!

Share with us the times when you feel down as a mom. Maybe with all of us together we can share tips and experiences of how we got over the various challenges of motherhood.

Let's Begin!

For all those stay-at-home moms! Let's all get together