“Mission for Mother – Guiding the Child”
Understanding the ABCDs of Child Misbehavior
There's no quick fix (take an aspirin and call me in the morning). Here are some initial thoughts from my experiences and my favorite book, "Mission for Mother - Guiding the Child" (out of print) and Dr. Latham's book, "The Power of Positive Parenting", available through American Mothers or online.
As I've read and re-read "Mission for Mother", I realize how much of my philosophy of parenting was formed from that book through a talk heard at Education Week, 40 years ago. The last class I took from LBCC, used similar concepts to the ABCDs of a child's behavior. Dr. Latham's Positive Parenting course is very much the same concepts. There are many other courses available in communities - the important thing is that parents need to be always learning. Every child is different and what works once, may or may not work with the next child.
You don't have control over changing the child, only yourself. From the changes you make in how you react, you will affect changes in the child.
Think of what you are doing that is rewarding the misbehavior. By identifying what feeds into the misbehavior, you can work at changing that. Use the ABCDs to determine what the child's misbehavior is trying to accomplish.
Use logical consequences
Consequences should be reasonable for the misbehavior and are not retaliation or punishment on the part of Mother to get even with or humiliate the child.
-Choices are provided, "do you want to settle down, or leave the room"
-Look for things that are understandable to the child to use as consequences, taking away a special toy until they behave, etc.
-Watch your tone of voice and body language. (not easy, but your tone of voice should be clam, not angry.
-Empathize with child, try to understand WHY he is feeling a certain way that makes him cry, but do not pity or sympathize with him, for this may weaken mother's resolve and firmness in dealing with him.
-Time Out Room - (I'm not a big believer in time out; use it sparingly. There's times it is really needed, so here are some guidelines.)
-before removing child, give the choice of settling down or going to the timeout room.
-if he does not settle down, he has made his choice, Mother is to pick him up gently, but firmly, and place him in the room, if he chooses not to go voluntarily.
-Mother tells him he can come out as soon as he agrees to behave.
-Mother talks as little as necessary. Her tone of voice is firm but gentle, devoid of anger or hostility.
-Child is given the choice of staying in the room with the door locked or unlocked. Mother might say, "You can stay in the room with the door unlocked. The door will be locked if you refuse to stay. The decision as to whether mommy locks the door is yours."
-Mother is to remove the child to the time-out room for his own good or the good of others, not for retaliation, or for punishment.
Quit Talking and Act - a common problem of mothers who come to family counseling clinics is that they talk-talk-talk TO their children rather than act. Mothers, in their desire to be a “good mother” and to get the child to “feel” well towards her, are afraid to act. Talking too much often becomes nagging and this increases the problems between Mother and child.
Limitations - mother needs to set limitations so the child feels he is in control of his own life. Not so narrow that the child cannot make choices or so loose that he does not know what is expected and as a result does not feel secure.
Withdrawal Can Be Very Effective - Mother's calm, quiet withdrawal to another room when the child is upset and angry can be most effective. Do not engage the child at his level, feed into, or pay off the anger of the child. Sometimes it better for mom to leave the room, go in the bathroom, read a book, and take a bath. Of course the child needs to be in a safe place - like in his crib (this is why I love to keep a child in a crib as long as I could, 3-4 yrs). After the storm, let the child know she cares, a hug, squeeze, etc.
Mother, Be Firm With Yourself - Do Not Dominate - sometimes moms try to correct through her own superiority. Rather than coercing or forcing the child to change his behavior, Mother should be firm with her own behavior. (lots more to learn about this)
"Power of Positive Parenting" - Dr. Glenn Latham, course available on Utah State University web site: http://ocw.usu.edu/Family__Consumer____Human_Development/oer-power-of-positive-parenting/power-of-positive-parenting/Course_Material.html/
Use Punishment Sparingly - Punishment can be somewhat effective in stopping or changing one specific misbehavior. However, many other different kinds of behavior are learned in the process. The better way is the use of natural and logical consequences.
Use Care in Rewarding - Rewards are effective in some respects. Mother gives a piece of candy, special privileges, money, etc to a child in return for his behaving, she is using rewards. Serious problem in using rewards is that it trains the child to respond to and value symbols rather than the good behavior itself.
Have Enjoyable Times Together - Build a reservoir filled with good relationship experiences
Human Need of Belonging – Rudolph Driekurs believes that the major need that humans possess is for “belonging”. We all need to feel as if we are valued, appreciated, and respected by important groups and people…family, friends, teachers, classmates, etc.
Encouragement is more important and effective than praise. “you can do it” is the message we want to give children. If we do praise, it should be “descriptive praise” which recognizes the actions/behaviors of the student. NOT praise the character of the student (e.g., “you’re a good boy”, “you’re a talented artist”).
Love, Laughter and Limits -
A loving relationship can build self-esteem, a better feeling of security and teach how to guild strong relationships with others. Show love because you want to show love and because you know it is the right thing to do, NOT because you want love in return or as a "reward" for doing what you want. Don't reserve love only for when you think your child deserves it.
Laughter or humor instead of nagging, especially when nagging and yelling have not worked, will often defuse an unpleasant situation. Don't take yourself too seriously.
Consider the goals you want for your children and make sure they understand the limits. Don't make a big deal out of everything. Pick a few things, be clear and stick with them. (www.healthatoz.com)
Try to identify the cause of the misbehavior -
Here's where the ABCD Goals of the Misbehaving Child are good to understand:- http://behavioradvisor.ipower.com/702FirstExamStudyNotes.html; http://www.behavioradvisor.com/ParentPage.html
A ttention & Service
B oss, control have power
C ounterhurt, get revenge, power with vengeance
D isabled (get Mother to think this) be left alone.
Applying the Principles – Underlying all learning is the basic striving of the child to have a secure place of belonging with those important to him.
Train your child when the atmosphere is calm and peaceful between you. Plan with a purpose.
Child tends to learn and repeat those things which bring about results that are perceived by the child as pay off.
Child learns through imitation
Child needs successful experiences in learning if he is to have the courage to continue to learn. (Three successes to one failure.)
To learn, child must have desire within himself. He must be motivated.
Tasks or concepts should not be too hard or too easy for best learning.
Fresh, novel, and stimulating experiences tend to encourage the child to learn.
Child participating encourages the learning process
Discipline that is coercive and overly strict produces rigid conformity, anxiety, shyness or aggression and deference to authority figures. The learning process becomes threatening for the child.
Criticism increases failure and discouragement. It tends to lower the child’s self-confidence and his level of aspiration.
Most rapid learning occurs during infancy and early childhood; therefore, Mother is in a key position.
The child’s first year of life is more critical than any college education
Generally better to distribute training over a period of time.
Some research indicates that the single most important attribute of any teacher for stimulating learning is that of friendliness. Sense of humor and sincere demonstrations of love are important.
MOTHER AS A TEACHER
Personality traits of Mother that tend to discourage learning are:
abruptness
coldness
quick temper
aloofness
acting high and mighty
being “preachy”
Traits that encourages learning:
warm
easy going
relaxes, having a friendly manner
simple and approachable
good sense of humor
showing a ready smile
well-organized
confident
able to set limits
consistent
flexible
curious about the world and having an urge to explore and find out things
able to communicate well
Topics of Learning: starting on page 79 – “Mission for Mother”
Walking
Play
Toilet Training
Training for living with others
Playmates
Chores Around the House
Stimulate Independence
Dressing
Eating
Getting Up
Tidiness
Sex Role Education
Training to Give and Accept Affection
Stimulate a Belief and a Faith in God
Encourage Curiosity, Initiative, and Creativity
Stimulate an Appreciation for Things Aesthetic
Nursing
Weaning
Bedtime
Another Baby – A New Arrival
Piano Practicing
Handicapped Child
Death of a Child
School—how to prepare the child
Correcting the Misbehavior
Family members experiencing much difficulty tend to relate to one another in a vertical-competitive fashion. Children in such families push one another down and away from the parents as they scramble for favored positions.
Competitive, vertical behavior impedes or prevents the development of cooperative, warm relationships among family members.
A child must feel that he securely belongs if he is to behave constructively.
The perceptions of the disturbing child may be logical or illogical. The important thing is his subjective view, not the logic of it. Mother must understand his perceptions if she is to best help him.
Though the misbehaving child’s responses appear irrational to mother, they make sense to him. They fit in with his personal view of things.
The misbehaving child is only dimly aware of his goals. He does not consciously plan or plot to manipulate Mother.
Mother generally responds to her child when he is misbehaving by doing the first thing that comes to mind. This first impulse is usually what the child is manipulating from her and it tends to reinforce his misbehavior.
It is important for Mother to learn to be a careful observer so that she can accurately interpret her misbehaving child. Learn to read the hidden and subtle cues.
Other Resources:
Parenting classes (American Mothers is always happy to help here. There's classes in Portland: http://www.oregonmothers.org/chapters.htm
Books - Dr. Glenn Latham's, "Positive Parenting", or "Parenting with Love" available through American Mothers Inc. G
Great Books For Parents Of Kids Who Need To Learn To Make Better Behavior Choices:
"How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk". This classic book, as useful today as when it was first published in the early 1980's provides parents with "Nice ways" to gain compliance from their children. Along with easy-to-read text are cartoons showing the typical ineffective phrasing used by parents are followed by those showing more effective ways of saying things. In my mind, this is the best parenting book on the market when it comes to how WE can change our ways to help our kids behave better.
"Assertive Discipline for Parents” provides a system that helps parents to be in-charge, while also being compassionate and supportive. It's especially good for parents who have problems "standing up" to their children, but also great for those parents who find themselves yelling and hitting/spanking when they get frustrated. The system gives parents things to say and do that are firm, but loving. Kids view the system as being fair and reasonable.
(other resources: Rudolf Dreikurs (February 8, 1897, Vienna - May 25, 1972, Chicago)