What to do with a crying baby...there is SO much advice given to you… by your mom, your neighbor, the lady behind you in line at the grocery store. This is a whole field of study by itself. Dr. Latham has a few simple rules to offer as good skills toward fussy babies.
Dr. Latham’s Word about Fussy Babies
Three things are sure: death, taxes, and fussy babies.
Remember babies will fuss! However, there’s no such thing as a “bad baby,” unhappy perhaps, but never bad. They are communicating something. Babies are learning that through communicating their needs will be met. Parents ought to be careful that babies don’t learn to use fussiness as a way to get attention besides the simple use of expressing their needs. Dr. Latham suggests that having confirmed that all the NEEDS are met and if a baby still is fussy, go ahead and put the baby down in his bed and let him cry. Distract your mind while he is crying but when the baby stops for an unbroken 30-45 seconds, feel free to go in and pick the baby up (if he’s fallen asleep that’s okay too, let him sleep). The baby may cry for up to 30 or 45 minutes at a time without stopping; this is okay if all of his needs are met. The most common mistake a parent falls into is giving attention to the fussiness, thereby reinforcing the very behavior you’re trying to stop.
When the baby stops crying, and you pick him up, don’t gush over him! You may give him a quick sign of affection or kind words, but carry on matter-of-factly. If he again begins to fuss, lay him back down calmly and gently. Remember the “Extinction Burst” phenomenon in parenting: it is not unusual for there to be an increase in fussiness/crying at the beginning. There may be a “burst” or increase in crying before it starts to go on to extinction, but do not give in before the child gives out!
Naptime/Bedtime Fussiness:
Dr. Latham’s 3-step simple process:
1. Establish a routine and stick to it.
2. Place child in bed quietly, gently, and without fanfare. MOM TIP: After putting child down, don’t make eye contact while leaving the room or shutting the door.
3. Do not return to the room unless absolutely necessary. If you do need to go into the room, do so quickly, quietly (without a word!), and with a minimum amount of light.
What do you do when your baby wakes up in the middle of a nap or too early? MOM TIP: Remember, 30 minutes is not a nap. Let him play alone in the crib and maybe he’ll go back to sleep on his own. Let him cry for 10 minutes then go in and pat his back; do your bedtime routine signaling that its time to sleep, put him down again and just let him cry back to sleep.
Dr. Latham adds that from time to time it is appropriate, in fact critical, that the baby be picked up for longer periods of time during which you would read, sing, play, rock, just enjoy your baby- but be sure you do this having picked up the baby at a time when he is not crying, (disbarring of course that he has a need to be attended to). After playing, put him back down gently. He might fuss, ignore the fussing. If it continues more than 20-30 seconds, and particularly if it becomes intense, gently pick the baby up check the diaper or any signs of distress (doing this without a word) and place him in his bed. Continue as I have already described. Remember that it is important that you continue to give plenty of positive attention and interaction to your child at other times of the day.
For information on a colicky baby and 20 tips to cope with crying, follow the links to the on-line text to chapter 11.
Other recommended advice about babies:
The Baby Whisperer methods of talking with baby and getting into a routine. A middle road between showing love to the baby and just letting him “cry it out.”
Ferberizing- established by Dr. Richard Ferber
The Universal Baby Language: by Priscilla Dunstan. Found to be true for newborns through about 2-3 months, any baby- despite their upbringing of language or culture- have 5 basic “words” used to communicate different needs. www.dunstanbaby.com
Although we didn’t have too much time to discuss the topic of spanking, Dr. Latham’s stance toward spanking is simple and clear: don’t. Spanking is mostly stemming from the parent’s frustration and anger and is not a method for teaching good behavior. You’re not teaching the child what to do or what is acceptable, you’re teaching him what not to do- and it’s not even an effective way to do that. Pain is not a bonding agent but teaches to avoid the pain giver. This is not in line with positive parenting. Parents resort to spanking because of 1) ignorance: they don’t know a better way; 2) immediacy of results: child quickly obeys but often continues to repeat the bad behavior again anyway; 3) conventional wisdom: people have been spanking for generations so it must be okay.
This having been said, many young moms (myself included here) experience frustration with young children who don’t yet have the language ability or cognitive reasoning to heed to any other methods of consequences. What is a good alternative to spanking as a consequence for young children? This can be a good topic to discuss this week. And any other comments you may have about this lesson, please add them to the blog!! See you next week!
2 comments:
Thanks for posting the highlights! I don't know if you touched on this or not, but I have learned that it's really ok to let your baby cry if you need a minute to yourself. It's better than being frustrated that nothing seems to have calmed your baby down for the past half hour.
I thought the "Baby Language" bit was interesting. I'll have to listen to see if I agree. :)
Betsy, it took me a long time to learn that! You really can't take care of a baby unless you also take care of yourself. With my daughter, I listened to the "respond to your baby's every whimper" school of thought, and wore myself out. It was amazing, when my son came along, how much easier it was for him to, for example, go to sleep, without me picking him up every time he made a sound.
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